In September 2011 I started back at Sixth Form as best I could, but I suppose it would be fair to say I wasn't really happy. I was seeing a psychologist as I still spent a lot of time wondering about things. Mainly worrying about dying and asking myself why all this had happened to me. I also really detested how I looked, as I'd been told my hair would grow back properly but it hadn't and still hasn't. I suppose this was to do with the fact that all through my treatment I'd associated my hair growing back with going back to normal, but it hasn't grown back properly and I'm very conscious of it. I can't stand it and wish it would just grow back. It gets me down a lot if I'm honest.
I had my scans in September 2011. They showed that my tumours had stayed the same and hadn't grown. The doctor told me that because my tumours were still there, he couldn't say I was in remission but he hoped that they were dead. I was overjoyed to hear this as you can imagine! It was a bit of an anticlimax really, no big party and the news that I'd be having another load of scans in two months time to see if they'd started growing again yet. This is the closest to remission I'll ever get and is the place I currently am at the moment.
|It's cold when you don't have much hair!|
Life continued as normal (or as close to normal it will ever get for me) until November 2011. My next lot of scans. These showed what they suspected may be a new growth in my lungs. The doctor told me that they would have to wait two more months before they scanned again to see if it was a new tumour. If it was a new growth than I would be having palliative care to try and buy me time. I was to spend my 18th birthday, Christmas and New Year wondering whether they would be my last. Not really a nice thought but they consumed my every waking thought for the next two months. Every night it would be the last thing I would think of and it was constantly at the back of my mind (Quite ironic really considering I had a tumour on the back of my skull!) I also sat all my AS level January exams with this hanging over me, which didn't really make them any easier. It's things like this that encourage me to live every second of life.
I waited nervously upon the scan results which would determine which path my life would go down.